The Only Thing
by Retorica
Summary: "Is loving you a wrong thing to do, that makes your smile falter the moment I said the truth? You decided to go as far as you could to avoid me, leaving me alone. Of course I got confused on what to do, but later I found out that there is only one thing I need to do." [ MikuxRin ]


~~Disclaimer: the characters used in this story belong to Crypton Future Media.

* * *

I had never expected this before, I never had the plan to love you. But, is loving you a wrong thing to do, that makes your smile falter the moment I said the truth? I know you quickly laughed after that, but that's because you were so surprised and didn't know what to say, right?

After that, you decided to stay silent, and later, turn and walk away from me, going as far as you could to avoid me, leaving me alone. As if the winter isn't cold and lonely enough.

So maybe it's wrong, after all.

* * *

**The Only Thing**

* * *

Hatsune Miku was currently 18 years and 3 months old in that certain cold day in late November—it's almost winter, of course. Snow started falling from the sky, but it didn't seem to end anytime soon.

And Hatsune Miku is currently narrating this story.

In that certain day, I was in my house with my friends. And I was sitting in the living room with Kagamine Rin, my friend.

…And the person who I love.

I am sure this feeling is here because of the thing she has done to me. She has helped me for uncountable times, she's always here, she cares about me. Unlike the others—I knew they noticed that something is wrong with the anti-social me from 2 years ago, but Rin is different.

She changed me. That Miku was gone and replaced with me, all because of her. And I, without knowing it, have fallen in love with her.

And everything started when I decided to tell her about my real feeling right there, at that time.

"I haven't told you who I really love." I said to her.

In return, she gave me a playful smile that made me blush and turn my head away, "Are you going to tell me who this person is?"

This is it. Until that second, everything went on good, but somehow I doubted this will end up good. Ignoring the doubt, with a mixed up feeling, I blurted out, "I-it's you."

Though my face was heated-up, I did my best to hold it and looked at her face to see her reaction. She did nothing but staring at me, though.

"I-it's okay if you don't feel the same way, but I love you, Rin." I repeated to make sure she got what I meant. And with this, I really mean that I love her, and I want her to know it.

I know that she doesn't feel the same, and I know that Rin is a normal girl—a _straight_ girl who likes a male, unlike me. So I don't know, maybe she thinks a girl, confessing to another girl is wrong. And though I know it, I still said it.

And of course, she most likely wasn't expecting _me_ to _love_ her and confess it right at this moment.

Then Rin _laughed_; she laughed and walked away from the couch we were sitting on and went to the kitchen where an annoying friend of mine was already waiting, "Shion-kun, the food is ready, right? So let's eat right now!" After saying that, she turned her head to me and called out, "Come on, let's eat!"

She didn't say my name.

And that was when everything turned out wrong.

* * *

"You girls are awkwardly silent, you know…" a certain blue-haired boy said. "Don't you have anything to say?"

"I thought you're not supposed to talk while eating, Kaito-kun." I said while giving him a glare. I don't know why, from the time he 'reappeared' into my life—we were once friends in middle school, then we went to different high school without keeping touch to each other, and suddenly in a random day he appeared in front of my house, literally—he immediately became an annoying person in my eyes.

"But it's awkward, Miku-chan." he said in excuse. "At least say something to Kagamine-chan."

Quickly, Rin looked at Kaito and shook her head, "N-no need to! I was just thinking about something, that's all! I'm okay with the silence!"

She refused to talk to me.

"I don't understand about girls' problem, so if something's bothering you, you should talk to Miku-chan here." he said while placing his hand on my right shoulder.

Rin bit her lip with her eyebrows raised, "R-really, there's no need to. I was just thinking about Len."

That's right; the person who Rin loves is Len, so why did I bother to confess to her?

I continued to eat while thinking about my stupidity. Strangely Kaito didn't question the silence anymore, and Rin still hadn't said anything else after that. It was really silent until we finished eating, and it was the plates that made noises, not us.

After I put the dishes on the sink, I went back to the living room. And knowing there was nothing else we could do, I suggested studying, since that was our main point of gathering in my house. We're going to face the entrance exam soon, and the three of us are planning on getting into the same university, so we studied together.

And during that time, Rin rarely talk. When Kaito didn't seem to stop talking, Rin only spoke when she had something she didn't understand about the lesson and had to ask someone else.

We finished studying, and Rin said she needed to get home. Until the time she closed the door, she hadn't called my name even once.

"You too, don't you have something else to do?" I asked Kaito when realizing that he hadn't even moved from his sitting spot.

"If you need a company, then I'll stay here, of course." he easily said.

I sighed after hearing his answer, "No, I don't, so would you mind to leave?"

Some minutes after that, there was only one person left in my house—only me. Kaito had just left through the door. Right after I closed the door after he went away, I leaned on it and let myself slide down. I stayed there, sitting while looking to an empty space, doing nothing else…

It was so confusing that I didn't even know what to do.

* * *

Some weeks had passed since that time when I confessed my feeling, and everything went on normally like before—waking up, getting dressed and going to the school, though winter break was just days away. Then I would study in the library and went for a grocery shopping before getting home, and made a dinner for myself. Since the death of my parents, Len used to live with me, but after he left, I had no other choice but living alone. It's not that lonely, anyway.

Except that Rin still refused to talk to me. It's… unusual. It was different when things were going that way. We weren't in the same class, so we couldn't see each other except in break times. And during that times, I often saw her in the classroom hallway, but it was just like that—we passed by each other as if we didn't know each other.

She's avoiding me for sure.

So, in my desk in the classroom, I sat and watched the sky again—this had became a habit—while thinking. I shouldn't have told her that if it ended like this… It's my fault for _loving_ her. Of course I know this is wrong, but I just couldn't help it. No one had ever asked to love someone.

But maybe it was my fault from the beginning, for telling her about my feeling. I should have thought that it's better to be kept to myself, rather than confessing it. Now what? Because of my selfish self, maybe she feels uncomfortable or something—I should have thought about _her feeling_ if I told her. Now, does she think of me differently after that? Does she see me as a filthy creature after I said that?

That's probably the case. I'm a filthy, pathetic creature in her eyes. An idiot who confessed her feeling without thinking.

Knowing that you're that kind of person really feels… saddening.

And finally, tears fell from my eyes.

* * *

The people who were there when my tears started to fall, the people who tried to comfort me, the people who tried to get to know what my problem is, the people who tried to help me to get over with this… Everyone wouldn't be there if it wasn't because of Rin.

Though I really appreciate their effort to make me feel better, nothing was really helping because they were the one who reminded me of her.

So after that, I tried my best not to cry in the class and make the others get worried. But no, I really didn't cry. I don't know, maybe I'm confused enough, even my eyes _got confused as well_ and refused to let out any more excessive tears. I survived until the winter break came and we didn't need to go to the school for the time being.

And this time, I doubt Rin would come to my house to… I don't know, maybe just to give me company. She didn't even want to talk to me, let alone coming to my house.

I decided to forget about that matter for a while by doing things while enjoying the winter. Like, drawing. I could do this thing for hours without stopping. When I didn't have any inspiration for my art, I tried out recipes from the recipe book, and study when the mood to study was there.

And that time finally came. Christmas. I remember going out with Rin near Christmas to buy some presents last year. I guess this time it's not going to be the same.

Of course.

I've bought a present for Rin for this Christmas—it's a silver with a bit orange-colored treble clef necklace. And thinking that last year, I gave her a small orange plushie with a key chain with an 'I like you' written on its back… She hadn't say anything about that present.

And it also means that it had been more than a year, since I realized that I love her.

I shook my head to push that thought away, and think about how to give the present instead. I don't think she wants to meet me—maybe I should put it in the mailbox _again_? Last year I put the present there because she was on a family trip, but this year I'm going to do it with a different reason. So I need to write something on a paper to wish her Merry Christmas. I went to my room and pulled up a paper, quickly filling it with my hand-writing.

"For Rin, Merry Christmas!" I started with those words, and later found myself having no more idea about what else to write. But if I'm out of words, unable to write any words anymore, then _that_ should do.

The paper became a canvas, and the pen I was writing with became the paint. The paint became my feeling, so the painting would reach her.

* * *

I watched as snow started to fall again from the sky from the window of my living room. The television seemed to be talking to itself, making sounds and changing colors, displaying lot of things, but I ignored it. I just needed some noises to accompany me, watching it wouldn't be necessary.

Christmas night was in front of my eyes. It horribly reminded me about last year, when I spent the night with Rin. Actually Kaito was there as well, but let's just pretend he wasn't there. After having the previous Christmas night alone, it felt really nice having someone accompanying me last year.

This year, I'm going to spend it alone again.

I plopped myself to the couch, and started blankly at the TV that was airing a movie. Not that I care what the movie was. I was thinking about… my current condition, alone in the Christmas night.

Rin doesn't want to come… because she finally found out what I really am? A filthy creature? Or maybe now she hates me after finding out my real nature—loving a girl? Or maybe she feels betrayed when I said I love her after the times we spent as friends? None of them was good.

Nothing was good from this.

I remember the time when we see each other, when we talked in our way to the school, when we walked together… And the time when I cried and she comforted me, telling me that everything will be okay, or the time when she cried and I comforted her in return…

And I remembered the time when she smiled to me.

…Is that moment already over?

My vision got blurred by my tears; there was nothing I could make out but the colorful flicker of the television. I closed my eyes and felt my tears touching my eyelashes—some of them fell down to my cheek and continued to roll down.

It's over. It's really over. I don't know whether I can continue to love her or not, but I can't stop loving her. I couldn't just release her and wipe her existence from my heart.

So what should I do…?

The bell made a noise, cutting my thought off. I wiped the tears from my face and headed to the door, not caring about my appearance at all. My eyes were probably swollen, and my hair was _surely_ messy—it wasn't in its usual twin tail, but I really didn't care. I opened the door without thinking about anything else, and spotted a familiar someone standing at the doorway.

Kaito.

"So you're home after all, why didn't you pick up my call?" The first thing he said was that, before, "And… are you okay? You looked messy there."

"Hng. Never mind me." I mumbled, not answering anything in particular as I stepped back, letting him in. "Why are you here?" was my first question.

While walking to the living room to sit, he answered, "Because I think you would be alone doing nothing, so I think it would be good if I drop a visit since I have nothing to do as well."

"What about Meiko-nee? Don't you have something to do together in this Christmas night?" I asked again. "I mean, you're here, visiting me instead of spending the time with your girlfriend. Is that okay?"

"She has a shift." he simply stated. "I guess being a nurse isn't an easy job, sometimes she has to work at the supposed-to-be day off, and even in holidays like this."

"Oh, I see… Of course, hospital is always busy, after all…" I said with a nod of understanding.

"Yeah, besides if it's just spending time together, we still have another time." he said with a smile. Then he suddenly added, "And hey, I thought Kagamine-chan is going to be here."

I cringed when hearing that topic, but quickly covered it with a mock, "Because you think I would be alone doing nothing, so it really came true."

He face-palmed after hearing my explanation, "No, seriously Miku-chan, what is going on? I'm still your friend even until now, so you can tell me what's wrong for sure."

I pouted, giving in immediately after he said that. Sure, he's still my friend. We've been friends since middle school, and friendship doesn't end just like that, he really is still my friend. And I think it's better, rather than keeping all of this by myself. "Some things happened and now we're avoiding each other—no, I mean, she's avoiding me and refuses to talk to me unless it's really necessary."

He raised an eyebrow, "Don't say it started at that time, when we were studying together here."

"So you noticed it after all…" I said with a sigh. "Yeah, it started at that day, until this very second."

"Oh, so that's how it started." he said, more to himself. "Well then, maybe she just need some moment to think."

Now it was my time to raise my eyebrows, "Do you even know what this is all about?" I asked.

Now he gave me a questioning look, "What, it is about something else? It's about your confession, right?"

The statement had made me shocked, of course. My heart skipped a beat and heat started to radiate to my face. "W-w-wha… Why do you know that I confessed to her?!" I stutter-asked in a fast pace.

He looked like he was trying to hold his laughter. "So… you thought that I didn't hear the conversation? You should noticed how silent the house was, I could even hear it from the kitchen, Miku-chan."

To cover up my embarrassment, I made up a laughter, "Ahahahaha, I was caught. Right, Kaito-kun?"

"Well, yeah, Miku-chan." he said while smiling. "Now I've figured out about your problem, so well… Kagamine-chan probably didn't expect it so that happens."

"I know that already, Kaito-kun…" I half-whispered to him. "But how to fix things back to normal? That's the problem."

"Okay, so this is a pretty… sensitive matter, isn't it?" he put his hand on his chin, 'thinking', "I mean, it's about girl and girl relationship and…"

I buried my face in my hand, "I-I know, I don't know why I got this… forbidden feeling, but it's like I could help it, and… Kaito-kun, I just don't know what to do!" I shouted at him. "You're my friend, you're supposed to be able to help me!"

"Maybe… You have to make her understand about your current condition. I mean, if I was under the same position, I would reassure the person I love that there's nothing wrong with me loving that person, he doesn't have to love me back, right?"

I nodded in agreement. For once, I could actually agree with this person's idea. "Maybe you were once in that position. Let's say… you secretly hold a feeling towards Len…"

"No, Miku-chan, just… no. Of course not! I'm straight, I love girls!" he snapped at me. "What makes you think like that?"

"Relax Kaito-kun, I was just kidding." I said with a smile of satisfaction. It's kind of fun, seeing him like this.

"But why him, anyway? There are tons of people out there." he wondered out loud. "Oh, you missed him already, right? That's why you said his name."

"No… He's the first male example who came out from my head." I said truthfully, but I'm not going to deny that. Anyway, thinking about Len…

Ah, that's right. If only he was there, sure he would know what to do…

"Hey, Miku-chan, do you notice it? It's already past midnight." he suddenly said. "Merry Christmas."

I looked up to his face and smiled in return, "Merry Christmas too, Kaito-kun…"

* * *

"I'm home." I announced to the empty house I was stepping in. It was still 7 in the morning, and because I woke up early—I only slept for 3 hours, I think—I decided to go to Rin's house to put the present. The house looked peaceful; maybe no one had waken up, or maybe no one was home, so I just put the present is without doing anything else and leave. Sure, it feels stalker-ish, not ringing the bell or something, but I didn't want to make noise in the morning. I went straight back home after that.

I put my shoes on the rack, and walked to the living room to watch random things again. But only minutes later, I found myself starving, realizing that I hadn't eaten breakfast yet. I made and ate the breakfast in fast pace, then returned to the living room. This time, facing boredom.

I decided to continue my unfinished drawing. I pulled out my sketchbook and started drawing sketches. This time, the drawing is about a lost girl, probably portraying my situation. It's fun, thinking that you can illustrate everything on a piece of paper.

Finally the sketching was done, now I only had to re-draw the line using the pen. But I only managed to line some parts before the pen got out of ink. What a wrong timing… I looked at the clock hanging on the wall, and I don't think the shops have opened at this time.

Suddenly getting an idea, I stood up and walked to Len's unused room. I think he _should_ have left at least one pen there, since he liked to draw as well.

I opened the door and smiled at the sight; nothing had changed since the time he left. Books, stationery, painting tools, everything was still arranged neatly on its own places. I placed myself on his bed and I reached a sketchbook from his desk. I started flipping the pages, looking at his drawings—I hope he wouldn't mind this. I couldn't help but smile even more, I love his drawings, that's why. It's always looks… lively, and I always want to be able to draw like him.

I remember Rin telling me that I have to surpass him, by that means I have to be able to draw even better than him.

Again, Rin is the first person in my head. Now we're avoiding each other and… Kaito said I just have her some moment to think, but what if she doesn't accept that fact until the end of time?

Sighing again, I pushed myself to the bed, impacting my back with the bed. While holding up the sketchbook with my stretched up hands, I frowned. This is going to be more complicated, then.

"I wish you were here, Len." I said. "Sure you would hear my problem and sort it out, but… but you're not here, you're not going to be here."

I flipped a page over. "Why did you leave in the wrong timing, anyway? Leaving me alone without telling me before like this, sure you are a meanie."

I flipped the page again, and almost freaked out when a paper fell from the book and ready to land on my face. I pushed myself up again and picked up the paper. The paper turned out to have something written on it…

"I found you looking at my sketchbook, Miku." the paper said. Ignoring the sudden change of atmosphere—as if someone else was there, I continued reading the paper. "Just kidding, actually I want you to find this; so glad that you do. But hey, are you Miku? Or someone else managed to find this?"

I almost laughed reading the message. Typical Len… "Yeah, I'm Miku." I answered to no one.

"So, if you're Miku… I sure have something to tell you. I hadn't got the chance to, and by the time you read this I most probably won't be there, hahaha. Sorry about that. Anyway, it's about Rin."

I narrowed my eyes after reading that line. Rin… "We ended up liking the same person, don't we? Kagamine Rin, that's the person. But it's not that easy, don't you think so…? I don't think I would be able to be there for her, and Miku is, well, a girl as well. I don't know what Rin thinks if she finds out that you love her, but she probably, wouldn't accept the fact."

Right…? Even Len had known it already—maybe I'm too stupid to realize it.

"But even so, you won't stop loving her, right? Keep that feeling in you—that's the only thing you need to do, Miku. Don't stop."

The letter ended just like that, but I kept on reading the last line.

"Don't stop."

Right, even if Rin doesn't accept it, I won't just turn and find someone else. I will not stop.

And that's the only thing I need to do.

"You know what, Len? If I got the chance to meet you again, I will punch you."

* * *

I was back in my living room with the lining after I 'borrowed' Len's pen. And what made it better, I feel a lot better after reading the letter.

Maybe, friends are what I really need in the kind of situation…

The bell rang again, I hastily stood up and walked up to the door. It's probably Kaito again. Ah, that boy and his have-nothing-to-do-ness…

But the one I saw on the wasn't Kaito—it was Rin instead. Rin? Seriously… Rin? I don't know, I feel happy that she was there, but there's this feeling as well; anxious.

"Ehehehe, morning Miku," she greeted with a grin. That grin made me step back and let her in without any more words.

She came to my house, greeted me and even said my name? Why it's so sudden…?

Came the usual question from my mouth, "Morning as well, Rin. What brings you here?" I greeted back nicely.

"Of course, it's Christmas! I want to spend the time with my friend, of course." she said lightly while putting off her shoes. "Anyway, I've received your gift, Miku. Thank you so much, I love it!"

I smiled. Oh my, this flowery feeling inside my heart, this is what I call happiness. "You're welcome, Rin! I'm glad you like it."

"That's why I brought a present for you as well. Uh, no, I've bought this days before, but I want to give it directly to you." And she handed me a bag, "Here."

"Thank you very much, Rin!" I said, trying to peek the inside.

"No no no, you should see it later." she quickly held the bag with her hand so I couldn't see what's inside. "Because first, I have something to say."

I could only smile sheepishly. I guess this is it—the answer. It's like I was hoping she would feel the same towards me, but that's unlikely. Whatever the answer is, I want to hear it. "Yes? What is it?"

"I'm sorry that I avoided you." she started. "I guess that was just too surprising for me. But now I think… you shouldn't love me, Miku. It's wrong."

Hearing those words coming out from her mouth hurts me. But even so… "Do you think I could stop?"

"I consider you to find someone else." she sternly said. "A girl and a girl won't make up anything, it's not going to work."

I opened my mouth to say something in return, but she cut me, "I… I know what you feel—I can't be with the person I love as well, Miku. We're in the same situation."

She actually looked hurt when she said that—I immediately felt bad. And for the whole time, I was just thinking about myself, not realizing that she's facing the same problem.

"I have no choice but to find someone else to love in the future, right?" she said with a melancholic smile. "But that doesn't mean I will forget him—no, of course I won't. So Miku, you understand what this means, right? I don't have any problem with your feeling towards me, but please, you have to find someone else."

This awkwardly feels like a rejection. And I could only laugh hearing that. I only need to keep on loving her.

"Sure… Sure I will, Rin. Don't worry." I said with tears flowing from my eyes. A part of me was disappointed, but at the same time, I was glad. The problem had been solved now.

Even if she clearly rejected my feeling, even if I found someone else to love later in the future, I will always love her; she will always be the number one.

Because that's the only thing I need to do.


End file.
